Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
Jason Mraz, 2008
For whatever reason (the weather, womanliness, Valentine's Day), my unrequited crush has really got me in a love funk this week. Sick of the doldrums, I want to come up with a creative way to push this to a head so I can move past it because nothing seems to be working. So I decide to imagine that I reveal my feelings to Crush Boy and get turned down - I know I can endure it (I'm a master survivor now) but I want to be prepared for how hard it might be. Plus, that's just my M.O. with the gentlemen: if I suspect there is a difficult subject to be discussed, I broach it with him. You get the hard truth a lot easier that way.
So, I picture us in a familiar place surrounded by friends but secluded from the group; so it's private [no one (of our friends) can overhear] but public [no one (of us) can freak out]. I focus on the calm, lighthearted tone I'd use [try to keep my voice from shaking or exposing my yearning] so he feels comfortable telling me the brutal truth ["this is all I want from you"]. I plan out what I can say to express myself clearly but still be able to walk away with dignity after his rejection [the trickiest part - like a magician's act, don't give too much away]. I imagine the rejection [ugh] and what my heart will feel like [deflated] and how to maintain my composure [distract from tears] and precisely what to say to minimize the damage to our friendship and so it's the least awkward possible for everyone involved. My clear intention is to prepare for the rejection. It's the whole purpose of playing the "what would I say?" game.
And then the inevitable happens.
I imagine he says yes. Yes, I've considered asking you out. Yes, I've thought about being with you. Yes, I want you.
Boy, did that exercise backfire.
