martes mandarina

Doing my best to be true to myself.

11 February 2009

Lyrical Mood - If It Kills Me


Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

Jason Mraz, 2008

The Big Reveal

For whatever reason (the weather, womanliness, Valentine's Day), my unrequited crush has really got me in a love funk this week.  Sick of the doldrums, I want to come up with a creative way to push this to a head so I can move past it because nothing seems to be working.  So I decide to imagine that I reveal my feelings to Crush Boy and get turned down - I know I can endure it (I'm a master survivor now) but I want to be prepared for how hard it might be.  Plus, that's just my M.O. with the gentlemen: if I suspect there is a difficult subject to be discussed, I broach it with him.  You get the hard truth a lot easier that way.

So, I picture us in a familiar place surrounded by friends but secluded from the group; so it's private [no one (of our friends) can overhear] but public [no one (of us) can freak out].  I focus on the calm, lighthearted tone I'd use [try to keep my voice from shaking or exposing my yearning] so he feels comfortable telling me the brutal truth ["this is all I want from you"].  I plan out what I can say to express myself clearly but still be able to walk away with dignity after his rejection [the trickiest part - like a magician's act, don't give too much away].  I imagine the rejection [ugh] and what my heart will feel like [deflated] and how to maintain my composure [distract from tears] and precisely what to say to minimize the damage to our friendship and so it's the least awkward possible for everyone involved.  My clear intention is to prepare for the rejection.  It's the whole purpose of playing the "what would I say?" game.

And then the inevitable happens.
I imagine he says yes.  Yes, I've considered asking you out.  Yes, I've thought about being with you. Yes, I want you.
Boy, did that exercise backfire.

30 January 2009

Work Husband

I'm not sure when this concept originally evolved, but I've only recently been exposed to the Work Husband.  Many of us have that special friend at the office with whom we share a more intimate co-worker relationship.

On his way into work, he gets his morning coffee and picks you up a tea.  When you catch a piece of office gossip, you have to find him immediately to divulge and discuss.  When that certain traveling exec is in town and omits his ridiculously loud yawns, he throws stuff at you to get your attention, rolling his eyes and you both attempt to suppress giggles.  If you go out to grab lunch, you always offer to bring him something back. 

It's not romantic or sexual but the camaraderie is akin to that of a marriage with a little corporate flair.  You talk about your weekend plans, evaluate company policy changes, discuss movies, partake in witty banter, help each other solve tricky Excel questions, recommend restaurants and favorite bands, and provide general counsel, guidance, and companionship throughout the workday.

Ani is my work husband and I adore him.  Most days, I don't know how I'd make it through if he weren't there to listen to and entertain me.  We can get caught up in a conversation across the aisle of our corner quadrant for dozens of minutes no matter what kind of projects we're working on.  He knows when I'm having a bad day and I know when he needs a little extra humor to get through his workload. 

While we never made vows - in fact, we never even had a choice in being paired together - it feels wonderful to know there is someone in the workplace to rely upon, share with, and generally enjoy.  Thanks for the days, Ani.

29 January 2009

An Extra Two Years?!?!

J-Rod's gchat status today was a blog link.  Per usual, while at work and needing a brief mental break from my color-coded tracker, I checked it out.

Now, I don't have any experience dating a "finance guy" but Jack is an insurance underwriter and, let me tell you, they can schmooze, spend lavishly, and silently suffer with the best of the FBFs.  While I think some (okay, nearly all) of the stuff on this blog is ridiculously indulgent whining, it's incredibly hilarious. 

Chuckling through the sob stories, I came across the following pronouncement while reading 'Lauren's':
This recession just bought everyone an extra two years of the single life.  SAVOR IT. 

Holy moly.  I nearly hyperventilated in my chair.  Granted, she was talking to the DABAs (admittedly, not me). And she herself is a DABA (I repeat, not me).  But still... that is not an additional delay I am comfortable with.

Although I am capable of savoring.

26 January 2009

Grandma Great

Today marks the seventh anniversary of the day my great grandmother passed away.  Most people don't have a chance to meet their great-grandparents, let alone develop any kind of relationship with them.  But as a youngster, I'd spend several weeks during the summer in Lafayette, Indiana with the Lynches.

Opal Lee and I shared many happy memories.  She introduced me to the delightful world of General Hospital.  At Easter, we'd color goose eggs.  She taught me to sew and quilt.  And she gave the best hugs. Her doting and regal nature perfectly epitomized the role of matriarch.  She demonstrated what it is to be half of a loving, lasting marriage.

I know she's looking down on those of us still here - her 4 kids, 11 grandkids, and 11 great-grands.  Miss you, Grandma Great.

George & Martha : The New Cupid & Psyche?

Princess has offered some unparalleled advice on my crush situation. We were gchatting today about life, love, and the housewarming party she missed this weekend. During the discussion, I confessed to a weekend encounter with Crush Boy – which she was very excited about.

While I’m unsure where this interest is actually going, Princess is eager for me to make something happen. Preferably something serious. She suggested I ask him to be my valentine. Naturally, I was repulsed as I have a distinct distaste for celebrating Valentine’s Day – (not of others who do, I just don’t personally enjoy it).

Ceaselessly supportive, Princess countered with the following proposal: “ maybe you ask him to be the George, to your Martha...for President's day on the 16th??!!!!”

Gosh, I love this girl.

25 January 2009

A New Home

ray & rhi

Last night, Ray and I hosted a housewarming party to introduce our friends to our new digs.  I must say, it was a smashing success!  Good food, good booze, good music all improved by good friends.  We hit the North Beach bars afterwards and capped the night off with a late night dance party (obviously).  Our place is starting to feel like a home!